Jokes 2

Tongue Twister

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, a
jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker and
a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Secret's to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to wild sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet

Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of
any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on
the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the
seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by
every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit,
they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla
starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding
on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor
primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at
him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she
let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. "Now, lift your
dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She does,
driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now tell HIM you have a headache."

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super
bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are
you doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have "Southern Electric" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I
have "Zanussi" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter
and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
'Does it look like I have "B&Q" written on my forehead? I don't think so.

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or give him a blow job.
So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my
forehead? I don't think so."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course, says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver,
it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

A married couple is driving down the Highway doing 80kpm.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 90 kph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is doing 100 kph.

She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 110 kph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 120 kph,
"I've got the airbag!"

There was a woman who was dating a guy.

The guy asked her if they could make whooppi and she was living
in an apartment at the time and said, "I only have bunk beds,
my son sleeps on the bottom and I sleep on the top."

He agreed to sleep with her and said "Let's use a special code.
Lettuce for slower, Tomato for faster."

They were having sex and she was saying. "Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomato,
Tomato!!!" and her son said. "Would you please stop making sandwiches up
there. You're getting the mayonnaise in my face!!"

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, at least Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor, and once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's up the behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I
was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused !? Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling, what I said was would you prefer me on my back or kneeling
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20 Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her,
and make the woo-woo sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

Men don't listen

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem.
He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savouring the feeling,
he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom
adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your testicles are under your pillow."

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck".

It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck),
and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an interjection Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see there aren't very words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust..........."Fuck me."
7. Confusion........."What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure......."Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost.............."where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation........"Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy............."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion.........."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions........."Fuck off."

It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......."It's four fuckingtwenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description......."He's a fuckingasshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~AlbertEinstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ?~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
Now send this to at least 10 people or you'll be fucked!

Two gay guys are going at it. Then one gets up and says, "Stay right there I'll be right back."

When the guy comes back into the bedroom cum is everywhere, on the wall and the furniture.

The guy says, "What the hell happened?", and the other gay guy says, "I farted."

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

The Little Old Lady and the Vibrator:

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish.......................... 48

Adventurer...... Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic....................... Flat-chested

Average looking............Ugly

Beautiful..................... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.........Bring your penicillin

Educated................... College dropout

Emotionally Secure......Medicated

Feminist..................... Fat; ball buster

Free spirit................... Substance user

Friendship first..... Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun............................ Annoying

Gentle........................ Comatose

Good Listener............. Borderline Autistic

New-Age.................... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................... Loud

Passionate................ Loud

Poet......................... Depressive financially insecure

Professional.............. Real Witch

Redhead................... Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............ Grossly Fat

Romantic.................. Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous............... Very Fat

Weight proportional to height....Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate........One step away from stalking

Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic.................... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking.........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated................. Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit................ Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first.....As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest..................... Pathological Liar

Huggable..........Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle........... Insecure, overly dependent

Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains
in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'll be on your knees sucking my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's why you've got that little moustache.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of desperate bitch that's
impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you're still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.

Male: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather die.
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your arse looks fat in those pants.

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Come back soon for more

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