Thought for the day......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and erections

and no recollection of what to do with them.

Dwarf with a Lisp

"I'd like to buy a horth, he says to the owner of the farm.
"WA dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
hat sort of horse? said the owner."
"A female horth the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare."
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nith eyth" , says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nith eerth,"' he says "now...can I see her twot?"
The Owner looks a bit puzzled but picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses female bits,
he holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that?......Can I see her wun awound a bit pleth?

Ethel

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed down the long corridors.
Because she and her fellow residents are all one sandwich short of a picnic,
they all tolerate each other, while some of the males actually join in Ethel's game.

One day, Ethel was speeding along one corridor when a door opened and Mad
Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence to drive thatthing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted to her.

"STOP!. Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer mat (coaster) and held it up to him.

William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

The Escaped Prisoner

A prisoner escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns...
but, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife : "Listen! This guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably has spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex...don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you... give him satisfaction!
This guy must be dangerous! And, if he gets angry, he will kill us! Be strong, honey. I love you!"

The wife responds: "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too!!"

HE MALE-FEMALE GAME - A GUIDE TO HOW IT WORKS

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you
to understand just how it works.
THE MISSION: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and
you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.
Here's a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light pant liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron...................+10
It's her cat....................................-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening......... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking pal..........-2
Named Tiffany...................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer............................-10
With breast implants...........................-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday...............................0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner..............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favourite team...-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a male friend................................ 0
Who is happily married...............................+1
Who is single........................................-7
And drives a Ferrari................................-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly....................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it.............................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.......................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
Any other response..............................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself...........-5,000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

Dangers of changing Jobs

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
" please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,
to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Three Little Pig's

The Dustman

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , the Chinaman says, "I wheely bin having wank."

DOCTOR BOB

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself,
trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Bob, you're a vet."

U wouldn't want to miss this race............Horse Race

Line up:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are
off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught
between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy
Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final
drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate
Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but
Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...Bare
Belly shows...Thighs weakens...Heavy Bosom pulls up...& Clean Sheets never had a chance.

THE HEAD
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. 
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. 
The son is just a head! 
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. 
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. 
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. 
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! 
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. 
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. 
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! 
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, 
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. 
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. 
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left .... then to the right .... right through the front door, into the street, 
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. 
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. 
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

The Repairman

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she 
told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, 
do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment 
the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. 

But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. 

However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Van Gogh's Relatives.

His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..........Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.............Winnie Bay Gogh

Gross me Out.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look
at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said," What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

The Man Who Loved Beans.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought
to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work,
his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he telephoned his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles
to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home
he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" 

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another
urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like
this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the
end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin
on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring
her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 
"SURPRISE!"  To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Things I Don't Understand.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?

Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin' ceiling up there.

7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going?

You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

Transplant.

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a
baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do  it."  So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns  to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can 
fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

 Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
 Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
 
 Man "Is this seat empty?"
 Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
 
 Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
 Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
 
 Man "Your place or mine?"
 Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
 
 Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
 Woman "It's in the phone book."

 Man "But I don't know your name."
 Woman "That's in the phone book too."
 
 Man "So what do you do for a living?"
 Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
 
 Man "What sign were you born under?"
 Woman "No Parking."
 
 Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
 Woman "Do not Enter"
 
 Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
 Woman "Unfertilized"
 
 Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
 Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
 
 Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
 Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
 
 Man "I know how to please a woman."
 Woman "Then please leave me alone."
 
 Man "I want to give myself to you."
 Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
 
 Man "I can tell that you want me."
 Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
 
 Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
 Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
 
 Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
 Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
 
 Man "Your body is like a temple."
 Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
 
 Man "I'd go through anything for you."
 Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
 
 Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
 Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

The Bridge:

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a
little man with no arms dancing all around on the river
bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all,"
and climbed down from the railing.

He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little
man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you
have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing, you dickhead!" the armless man replied
bitterly. "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

The Blackboard:

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone
had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class,
scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. 
Finding not a guilty face in the bunch,
she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger
letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she
looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And
so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and
found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger
than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be
greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the
blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Jack Schitt:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way. 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and
they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now
when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by
saying you know about the whole family.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

The Nun's:

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. 
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??? 
The nun giggles and replies, 
Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
pass through the gate. 

St Peter asks the next nun the same question,
Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis? 
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, Well I once fondled and stroked one.. 
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate... 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. 
One nun is pushing her way to the front. 
When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says,
Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush???
The nun replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,
I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!